Shit i dealt with growing up.

Growing up, there were always large St. Bernards in our neighborhood. We had one, and a mutt from one, and my uncle had one and people up the street had some. It was a normal sight.

One afternoon my older brother and i were out playing in the snow, doing what kids do, most likely running through the christmas trees or building some snowfolk. Out of no where one of the large dogs came up and knocked my brother over in the snow. He looked like the little brother in “A Christmas Story” dragging him all over the yard by the leg of his navy blue snow pants. My brother would get up to his feet and he would knock him over and do it again. Mind you the dog wasn’t being vicious, he was just playing with my brother, now pulling him by the crotch of the snowpants into the clearest spot in front of our house. By this time the neighbors across the street and my dad heard me yeling for help and my brother screaming and crying, terrified of the dog that outweighed him by 60 pounds. My dad came to the front porch in time to hear the neighbor yell “hey, get off him” and the dog allowed my brother to regain his posture and stand up. Just as my brother turned the dog put his front legs on his shoulders, his red rocket blasting off, and knocked my brother to the snow covered ground and began humping…

When I was a kid, my father sold Christmas trees. This fact followed me for years, and when i was in high school I learned a lot of people in surrounding towns actually came to buy from us, which was a neat fact. Regardless, this was a big thing in my childhood.

Every winter my dad would drag us up to a tree farm and we would have to haul trees through the woods and load up a truck. Trudging through 2-4 feet of show, pulling prickly blue spruce trees hundreds of yards was not my idea of a fun time. But I loved when our yard would be strewn with the trees.

They would be held up by posts with white plasticy ropes between them where trees and trees would lie across them. White spruce, balsams, blue spruce, Douglas Fir, white pines. We had an entire yard full of them.

We would run and play through them, shooting toy guns or playing tag games. But what this season was best for was HIDE AND SEEK! We were gods when the trees came up, i was uncatchable. Ducking and diving through the aisles of trees, walking in customers foot prints so i was undetectable in the fresh powder. and conversely i could track people to anywhere following their trail left in the snow.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there would be a chase, and i would have to run to the only chimney to be safe.

…I saw him coming around the corner of my grandma’s trailer as i was around the other side. And there was nothing i could make it to in time to hide, just a field of nearly untouched snow, 40 yards to the line of trees, then, to the chimney. We had sold a lot of trees that week and they were sparser than usual. some aisles completely gone. I could rush to the trees and try to lose him in there, or make the extra 10 yard dash to the Safe Spot. So i sprinted towards the chimney opting out of the tree cover. next thing i remember was looking up at the snow falling in my face and at my brother looking down at me and i was coughing and gagging. I failed to notice the rope, camouflaged in show that hung from the trailer to a post and i was clothes-lined and from what i was told i nearly flipped over backwards i hit it so hard, as fast as my 8 year old legs would carry me.

Every year after school my dad would by my brother and i “play shoes” or shoes to be worn over the summer. we had our school clothes and play clothes. This one particular summer my father bought us Ninja Turtle sneakers from K-Mart. I loved these shoes, they were white with Rapheal’s head on the side of them. We wore the crap outta them.

My birthday is the end of August, and we were having my birthday party. My birthday parties were always the best. We’d play with nerf guns and play super nintendo all night. As my party approached a few of us were running around getting ready for the guests to arrive. My brother saw the familiar maroon car of my friend Graham arrive on our dirt road, and rounded the side of our house in his white ninja turtle shoes, and white tube sock and gym shorts. All of a sudden he tripped and i looked over to see that his foot had broken through our septic tank, submerging his foot into the cesspool. The wood built over it had rotted, and he had stepped in the oh so right spot. My dad came running to aid him and the pulled him to safety, but as i looked and saw his dangling poop covered sock swinging from his foot, i saw his ninja turtle shoe did not make it. Returned to the sewer home it came from.

Later he got black Voits.

The bathroom at my grandmother’s house where we slept didn’t have a really good lock, so you could just bump it hard and it would open. when my brother would shower i would sometimes use that so i could go in and pee or whatever. I heard the shower running once, so i pooped in to use the bathroom and found him stark naked in the middle of the bathroom doing push ups. naked. naked push ups.

One time i came home late at night and saw his light was on at the end of the hall way, door ajar. i walked down to say hi, and he was standing butt naked remote in hand and dove into his bed. I looked to the tv and saw him flip between cspan to vh1, and, puzzled, i asked: “what are you doing” he replied simply, with a gurff tone ” LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M JERKING OFF”